ok, so there are few people anymore who might actually read this, but for those of you who do and currently do not know my situation, i am moving back to the island. i leave feb 18th. i'm not sure what i am going to do for a job yet, or when i'll be back (or if i'll even be back!) all i do know is that a friend called me a couple weeks ago and asked me if i wanted to live with them. without even taking a minute to think about it i said yes. i haven't got much in indiana worth staying for. i was kind of hoping a reason might happen since i got back last time, but it never did. so i'm off. so far what i wrote makes it sound like i'm not excited or anything, but i am. i'm sper excited to get back to a place where i know people and constantly see people i want to talk to. here, i have to call everyone i know before anyone either answers or has the time to hang out. and i'm gonna live with three friends, which i'm excited about. it'll be nice to live with people my own age instead of with my mom or my uncle.

the people i'm going to be living with have been looking for a 4th roommate ever since some things happened with the other girl that was living there. so she has moved out and they called me up out of the blue, and so i'm going. my uncle will be paying me from my work on the farm, so i'll still be getting full pay checks even if i don't find a job right away. which i'd like to take atleast a week to hang out and see people and get back to the beach. but i know of several job possiblities right now. and i'm sure i'll find more when i get down there. i may brush up on some drink recipes so i might get a job as a bartender somewhere. who knows.

so, i guess my uncle has been talking to my mom about how he's been working so much. and she said he's kinda hinted a few times that he'd like me to come back down there. i don't know if he's going to officially ask me. but i guess he worked 13 hours on saturday. and my aunt is hardly ever there, so it's all on him. so, i made a list of demands that if he officially asks me to come back he has to meet atleast 90% if not all of the demands. so far i've only got 9, but i'm sure i'll think of more. i'd love to go back to the island, but i would need to find someone to live with. and i'm thinking about asking patrick if i do go back if he wants to go. i know he said he'd go if i ended up getting the farm. but, it's patrick. he always says one thing and does something else.

but here's my list so far:

1. Will NOT live with brian and linda (my aunt and uncle)
2. will have weekends off unless a veggie emergency
3. have a car within 2 weeks if on the north shore, and 1 week if elsewhere on island
4. will not be left alone on farm everyday while uncle runs "errands" like before
5. actually get paid this time. and enough for rent, food, and extras
6. if i disagree with something, uncle HAS to atleast here me out before making any decisions reguarding the farm
7. if linda is barely ever on the farm, like always, then i WILL NOT take orders from her.
8. linda gets back on meds and she leaves her clothes on. (if you don't know, don't ask)
9. i leave the farm by 5pm everyday. and get atleast 1 hour for lunch at a decent time. no more eating lunch at 2:30. and i'f i'm on the farm 7am-5pm, plus an hour lunch, that is still 9 hours of work. that is enough for one day.



that is all i have so far. but i'm sure i'll come up with more. i think the only one's i'll be a little lax on are number 3, and number 4. i can wait a little bit longer for a car if i'm on the north shore. and sometimes it's nice not to have uncle on the farm. but it's annoying when i need to know how he wants something done and he isn't around.


so basically i may or may not be invited back to the farm soon. and based on his willingness to cooperate, i may go down there. again.

so i bought film for my camera finally. but i haven't taken many pictures yet because it's been super hazy here this past week. we've had some major rain recently too. but anyways. once it clears up a little more then i'll start taking more pictures and then develope them, and then seeing if i can figure out how to post them on here.

and thats the word.

hey, if anyone is interested, i'm gonna periodically write mass emails about me being on an island. if you'd like to be added to the email list, email me at jakem_1002@hotmail.com and i'll add you.

hey, i live on an island. it is super hot. there are lizards everywhere. and all sorts of oddities. i'm surrounded by rasta men. chickens and goats are often seen wandering about. and horses too. we drive on the left here, which i actually like more than driving on the right. i work real hard. i am so sore all over. but i am super tan most over and my hair is slightly bleached lighter color from the sun, and if i haven't made muscle by now, then something is wrong. i dug holes all day today and yesterday.

when i went scuba diving, i felt like i was flying. the view from the house is amazing, we live on top of a mountain and can see whole island. it's 8 o clock and i'm tired as hell. i'll be in bed by 10. i rise with the roosters, which you can hear drifting up out of the vallies below. but we also have a parrot who goes crazy as soon as the sun is up. and he is positioned on the front porch with a first hand view of the sunrise. so i'm usually up by 6.

ok, enough.

as some of you know, and some do not. i am moving. i will be leaving next week for the virgin islands to work on a hydroponic farm. i leave tuesday morning for milwaukee. then i will be flying out of chicago on wednesday the 13 with 2 cats. i will fly to puerto rico and then to st croix. the current semi-plan is that i go down for a couple months to help my uncle get his farm set up and running. he has yet to get the equipment set up. so, i will be going and living with him for a while. he is going to only pay me a little each week for spending money, and then when the money starts rolling in, i will get a larger sum of money of what i should have been getting the whole time. at that point i may try and get my own place down there and stay for a while living on the island and either working at this uncles farm or possibly switching and working at my other uncles bar. but in the past day i decided that, even after i'm done with st croix, whenever that may be, i think i might try and move somewhere else. and not come back to the states at all. the islands are a US territory. but not quite the states. i may move somewhere else when all is said and done. i've always wanted to live in ireland, and since high school i decided i wanted to move there when i was 25. who knows, maybe i actually will. that only a little more than 2 years away. and i don't feel like being here anymore.

this is a long post full of randomness. half is already happening. the other half may never happen. but thats what life is, coming up with different ways to do things, and then picking which ever one fits you when the time comes. and right now i'm just spitting out ideas. we'll see where i am when the time comes.

everyone else believes in ghosts. they believe that there is something out there. i don't. i never have believed in ghosts. i don't believe in spirits. but i do believe he is out there, seeing everyone he wants to see. but i don't feel like i have been visited. i don't think there is this creepy sensation that your supposed to get, just a feeling of knowing he's there. and even when i leave comments to him, i feel like i've taken a back seat to everything and he forgot about me. i don't feel like he cares about me anymore. and it's kind of sad. makes me feel lonely. for a brief moment i felt like he was there, but now i don't. i don't feel anything.

it hit me the other day. i realised i had no one that was up for fucking shit up the same way anymore. everyone moved away, or became more docile, or sober. it was him that kept me out of harms way, numerous times, but now i feel like a fucking sheep wandering the hills alone. no shepard to watch over me. fucking wolves everywhere. just watching. waiting for a moment to strike. not in a moment of weakness, but just because watching me wander around alone is too humorous to them. one day the wolves are going to close in and finish the deal set into motion a few months ago. just biding their time, watching as i stumble helplessly through the hills of some far off country that no one will ever visit. one day when they get bored, they will swoop in and finish me off. maybe they'll toy with me a bit, dragging things out to the end. or maybe it will be fast. but it's inevitable. scared and alone as i am, things aren't so bad til those wolves get bored with me.

it's 3:33....make a fucking wish


i wish i hadn't been to lazy to make that fucking phone call.
i wish i had called him more
i wish we could still get drunk and steal shit and get banned from places
i wish we knew what that movie was actually about
i wish i knew him sooner. better. longer.
i wish he weren't gone.
i wish i still had the pictures
i wish i still had the music

i wish it weren't over.
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i wish i hadn't been to lazy to make that phone call

i think i may have the option to go back out to maine this summer for another apprenticeship in the theatre out there. i'm gonna look into it a little this week, and if i can, then i'm gonna do it. it would be nice to have a change of pace and scenery. and be back doing theatre again. meet new people, make new friends. decide what i want to do. i definitely want to get back out of my moms place, and this may be the fastest way for me to get out. i'm also looking at possibly trying to go back to school this fall. i might look into it and get some student loans and use that to move somewhere and get settled while i find a job and do school and shit. go somewhere new maybe. we'll see. i'm gonna try and figure some stuff out this week i think. maybe look into a few schools. don't know where i want to go.

so as of tonight i am officially back living with my mom. last night was the last night before my eviction. so, what do you do? we threw a party. got drunk. played beer pong. went to a couple bars and went dancing apparently. blew up some oranges. it was a good night. although i still wish it didn't have to end. i enjoyed living there. my neighbors, the proximity to everything, being on my own. and now it sucks not to be living there, but it sucks even more to be back at my moms. oh well. hopefully i'll get a job soon and be able to get the hell out of here again.